I always knew I had incomparable blessings in my friends. But this last week, I've been overwhelmed with the supportive, grace-full people in my life. I have realized that a part of me thought that you all would think I was a bad person for failing at something else. I've had to accept that these are judgments I've placed on myself.
When you don't love someone, when you know you're not loved in return, and even when you both very much accept that your current situation must end...you still feel defeated. Utterly defeated. I look back. We've each seen the other through surgery. We've built a new home. We've taken his mother into our home while her shattered pelvis healed. Both of us have finished college. We've survived unemployment. During our time together, I've lost my dog Prancer, I've lost Derek's father, and received the news that my own father will die of ataxia. I can't help but look back and appreciate this time for lessons, memories...for what the bright and dark moments taught me. Maybe this is why I'm struggling with the heart-sickness that I'm trying to convince myself shouldn't be dwelling here when love has gone.
I don't know where life is going, how it's going or even when it's going. Just me, floating along, trying to maintain my faith and a semblance of hope. My heart struggles to believe that there will be a man someday who will want to love me with all his heart, who will not be intimidated by me and all that I am. A man who will genuinely revel in my happiness and would never ask me to be small or to be quiet. A man who knows God. Maybe even a man who himself has been broken by life, yet knows that life is worth fighting for (and if he's obsessed with music...like me...that would sure be super).
There is a secret person undamaged in every individual. - Mitsuye Yamada
In the silence, I am hearing my own voice again. - Susan Griffin, Voices
Sometimes we understand grace only in retrospect. If someone were to ask me what grace is, I would probably respond, "It's all grace." - Bo Lozoff, Getting Free
When you don't love someone, when you know you're not loved in return, and even when you both very much accept that your current situation must end...you still feel defeated. Utterly defeated. I look back. We've each seen the other through surgery. We've built a new home. We've taken his mother into our home while her shattered pelvis healed. Both of us have finished college. We've survived unemployment. During our time together, I've lost my dog Prancer, I've lost Derek's father, and received the news that my own father will die of ataxia. I can't help but look back and appreciate this time for lessons, memories...for what the bright and dark moments taught me. Maybe this is why I'm struggling with the heart-sickness that I'm trying to convince myself shouldn't be dwelling here when love has gone.
I don't know where life is going, how it's going or even when it's going. Just me, floating along, trying to maintain my faith and a semblance of hope. My heart struggles to believe that there will be a man someday who will want to love me with all his heart, who will not be intimidated by me and all that I am. A man who will genuinely revel in my happiness and would never ask me to be small or to be quiet. A man who knows God. Maybe even a man who himself has been broken by life, yet knows that life is worth fighting for (and if he's obsessed with music...like me...that would sure be super).
There is a secret person undamaged in every individual. - Mitsuye Yamada
In the silence, I am hearing my own voice again. - Susan Griffin, Voices
Sometimes we understand grace only in retrospect. If someone were to ask me what grace is, I would probably respond, "It's all grace." - Bo Lozoff, Getting Free
There are countless things I could say, write and quote...
ReplyDelete"I love you."
I'm here always.
"There's only grace..." -M. West
Jean
You are one amazing strong woman Mandi, and I am proud to say you are my big sister!!! It takes a lot of courage to make such a big change, and to accept that a current situation is just not working or is not healthy for oneself. We are all here to support you on your new journey, and even though it may seem lonely at first, you have many years ahead of you that you will be able to experience HAPPY, and to know that YES, there is a man out there that truly deserves to be apart of our family, because everyday he is amazed at the woman he is in love with, and wants to stand by her throughout all her new experiences, and support the dreams she wants to accomplish!!!
ReplyDeleteLove Shel
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightnes us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing it small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us...And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
ReplyDeleteAs much as I would love to take credit for that...it's from 'Coach Carter.' You are powerful beyond measure...your talents, beauty, brains, what you can accomplish for God...I think what scares you, as it does most of us, is that you're powerful, it's not your past failures, but what you could do now, living up to your highest potential. Your light rather than your past darkness...You're so realizing that your sick of living small, that you're sick of squishing your dreams and desires to suit someone else. You've liberated many people, including me, by overcoming that fear and realizing you are who you are...nothing can do that poem justice with words BUT it so reminds me of you...it so reminds me of the story of your life. You're inspiring...fun to chat last nite and catch up on the finer points in life.
(That's also from the book I was telling you about, on hearts!)
Chels