With several tolerant, wordless smiles, I endured the tireless attempts of our waiter to garner my affections, preferring instead to absorb myself in the fabulous piano playing from the front of the ristorante. The music had blissfully done its job (as had the wine and millefoglie) until I awoke, if you will, to hear our waiter speaking to my tablemates: "...tua amica e molta calma e sensibile."
Calm - obvious. Sensible? Juliahna corrected me: "Sensitive. Sensibile means sensitive."
Calm and sensitive. Exquisitely aware of every nuance of emotion running through a room and through the people in it. No man has ever let me know that he perceived me so truly as I am. How does a waiter, who has known me for 10 minutes or so, see me so clearly when no man in my life thus far seems to have understood?
Federico, our incredible pianist, also picked up on my calm sensitivities, or perhaps it was the connection that music awakens between those who adore it. From behind the piano he blew kisses to me, on occasion pausing his playing to place his index fingers to the corners of his mouth. He would then twist his fingers as he beamed a huge smile across the room, calling out, "I love you!" He was just devastated when we left: "But Amanda, who will smile at me? Who will I play for?"
Such an authentic enjoyment of my presence. His joy was in my smile. Not cheap, not degrading, and a totally foreign experience, no matter where in the world I am standing.
During a casual conversation about my desire to continue my weight loss, Roberto sadly shook his head saying, "I do not understand, Amanda. In my country, you are perfetto. You are what woman is supposed to look like. It makes me sad for you, to think you do not feel this in your own country, in your own home."
Mannequins don't stand with their sharply-defined hip bones jutting forward here; they stand with their full hips swayed out to the side. (Praise the Lord, a woman can look like a woman!) On a evening walk a night or so later, we came across my famiglia's friend Marta. As she and Juliahna went through their greetings, I saw Marta gesture to me as I understood the words, "Sorella? No? Amica?" ("Sister? No? Friend?") and, "Ohhh, che bella!" ("Oh, how beautiful!") She must have repeated her claim of my beauty three or four times as she continued to exclaim and gesture over Jillian and myself. I've never had a woman exclaim over my beauty before. Man to woman, woman to man, woman to woman - there is no holding back over beauty in this place. I don't think I've ever been made to feel so beautiful, which makes me sad, because every woman ought to know this feeling. I felt truly lovely, in a non-threatened way, for the first time in my life.
I figured something out today. I walked away from singing - for friends or strangers, at home, work, church or otherwise - because people fall in love with my voice. I don't want you to love my voice. I have been stalled out at my weight for over a year despite constant effort because the first thing people notice when I lose more weight is my body. I don't want you to love or notice me for my body. I haven't finished any career path or degree - because I don't want to be defined by any one thing. I don't want you to fall in love with the letters after my name or my ability to accomplish another goal. I don't want you to fall in love with my ability to take care of myself so that you don't have to come through for me.
I want you to see me: a calm and sensitive heart. Beauty. A woman who has many interests and concerns, but isn't defined by any of them. A woman who wants to be taken care of as she cares for you. I want you to want to learn as much about me as I want to learn about you. Ought I to continue hoping that someday, someday, someone might see?
Many times I read your thoughts and am reminded of my own mother. I believe you both share many of the same feelings, hopes, dreams, fears and sadness. Two hearts that many see as "strong and resilient", but not what their true beauty is at all. Finding another to truly trust with your heart in their care is a sometimes long and lonely journey. There is no real answer to the when of it all.
ReplyDeleteI think it starts with trust. You have to trust that you are enough and be able to show trust in someone else by showing them who you really are at the start. Trust is also easier when you are in a foreign land. No one knows you, you don't have to put on errs with people. There are no real or imagined expectations being held over you. You are free to be you. But at home, there are those expectations that you've placed on yourself and that others have placed on you (or more accurately expectations that you THINK that they've put on you). So you act the part without really realizing it and this can change the way people perceive you and thus how they treat you.
ReplyDeleteMost men will treat you based on how you portray yourself. They take things at face value so being honest with them by really showing who you are is a way to get them to respect and appreciate you for you- ya know? You were having great success in doing this in Italy is seems with very little effort or thought. So perhaps, instead of just portraying the strong, talented career woman, be willing to be your sensitive self with someone. Bring the freedom of Italy to your life now- who cares what people think! It takes a little courage. It takes trust.