When Sharon asked if I might have a recording or two of myself, to bring her comfort during her hospital stay, I was surprised to realize I had none. 22 years since the discovery of this gift, and aside from some old VHS tapes, I've never been recorded.
It's difficult to understand how this voice, or anything I have to offer, could ease my friend's hurting and waiting - and during chemotherapy! I immediately became intimidated and unsure. What do I know about recording? Why should I think I'm any good, or good enough? Singing lays me emotionally bare; how could I be so vulnerable?
I feel nothing but inept when I try to express my love to people. I suppose that's why I write cards and blogs - I do much better with edited, written word. I am realizing lately that I became a "fixer" in large part because it's so much easier to DO something, than to just sit in the pit of emotions and feel "not enough." (Even though I know it is.)
So I sat with that for a while. I know now that I can't "fix" my friends' and family's problems: ataxia, leukemia, pancreatitis, Lyme's disease, financial strain. My friend gave me a tangible and deeply personal opportunity to comfort her, and to honor her fight. What bravery could I possibly need?
I chose the song "Circle of Friends" thinking about the circle that has held Sharon up in prayer and love. As I sang, as we listened and tweaked, I found myself thinking more and more of my own circle. Without the encouragment and excitement of my family, and all my friends, who have held me up over the years (and with such great love recently), I know I'd have never seen my life through to today with my heart and mind intact. I'd have never believed in myself enough to do this surprisingly simple, hugely rewarding thing:
It's difficult to understand how this voice, or anything I have to offer, could ease my friend's hurting and waiting - and during chemotherapy! I immediately became intimidated and unsure. What do I know about recording? Why should I think I'm any good, or good enough? Singing lays me emotionally bare; how could I be so vulnerable?
I feel nothing but inept when I try to express my love to people. I suppose that's why I write cards and blogs - I do much better with edited, written word. I am realizing lately that I became a "fixer" in large part because it's so much easier to DO something, than to just sit in the pit of emotions and feel "not enough." (Even though I know it is.)
So I sat with that for a while. I know now that I can't "fix" my friends' and family's problems: ataxia, leukemia, pancreatitis, Lyme's disease, financial strain. My friend gave me a tangible and deeply personal opportunity to comfort her, and to honor her fight. What bravery could I possibly need?
I chose the song "Circle of Friends" thinking about the circle that has held Sharon up in prayer and love. As I sang, as we listened and tweaked, I found myself thinking more and more of my own circle. Without the encouragment and excitement of my family, and all my friends, who have held me up over the years (and with such great love recently), I know I'd have never seen my life through to today with my heart and mind intact. I'd have never believed in myself enough to do this surprisingly simple, hugely rewarding thing:
Zach, who I've known just one year, for your time and skill, for being the only ROCKIN' music producer I know, and for encouraging me to sing from my heart, even if I cried a little and we had to redo it. I still don't recognize that woman who's singing...
(And yes, it's a very cool circle, indeed!)
AJ, for sharing your friend Zach with me, and for having me sing an 80's classic in a gay bar last month, thereby proving that I could, again, be brave.
Jean, for photographing that moment, and for invitng me over when I'm tearful. Riding the oceans, lady!
Lorrie, for ideas, for providing accompaniment tracks, and for being more excited to hear this humble project than God himself, I think!
Sharon Juliahna, for helping me heal into a person who (I hope) could gift a little of that grace back to her.
Each of us is a member of many circles, connected in a myriad of ways, and we don't know the half of what God is up to. I'm honored by your presence in my life, honored by your prayers for both myself and for yet-unknown friends, and amazed by the great things that radiate into the world through our friendships.
(And yes, it's a very cool circle, indeed!)
AJ, for sharing your friend Zach with me, and for having me sing an 80's classic in a gay bar last month, thereby proving that I could, again, be brave.
Jean, for photographing that moment, and for invitng me over when I'm tearful. Riding the oceans, lady!
Lorrie, for ideas, for providing accompaniment tracks, and for being more excited to hear this humble project than God himself, I think!
Sharon Juliahna, for helping me heal into a person who (I hope) could gift a little of that grace back to her.
Each of us is a member of many circles, connected in a myriad of ways, and we don't know the half of what God is up to. I'm honored by your presence in my life, honored by your prayers for both myself and for yet-unknown friends, and amazed by the great things that radiate into the world through our friendships.
_______________________________________
A little levity: our producer, Mickey Mouse.
And the newcomer, not quite sure when she was supposed to remain inside the recording booth... or make an appearance:
I can't wait to hear it! I often hear you singing different songs in my head as I listen to music in the car, even though it's another version on the CD...maybe there's a bigger reason than we both know. Love you Bug!
ReplyDeleteHey Jean...I do that too with music I listen too...end of hearing Amanda singing some of the different parts I have heard her sing in those certain songs!!!! Very cool isn't it!
ReplyDeleteAmanda...You rock woman!!! Love ya!!!