Marriage and Women

I'm not sure which came first, the willingness to read a book like this, or the questions I've been considering lately.  I was so moved and stunned by the book that I went to author Elizabeth Gilbert's (of Eat. Pray. Love. fame) website, finding an interview where I read this Q/A

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Q: What is the "Western Style Problem" that your friend Ting expresses in the chapter "Marriage and Women"?  Do you think marriage is more beneficial to men or women?

A: This is not my opinion, but a fact backed up by every conceivable study: Marriage is far, far more beneficial to men than women. Married men perform far better in life than single men, and are happier than single men, and live longer than single men, and earn more money than single men. Married women, on the other hand, make less money than single women, suffer more from depression than single women, don't live as long as single women, and are more likely to be the victims of violence than single women. This has always been the case, which does fly in the face of the mythology and romanticizing of marriage that is epidemic in our culture. The "Western Style Problem" my friend Ting in Laos describes is the moment that women start deciding that they might want to delay or even defer marriage -understandable, given the facts-which tends to throw a wrench in the workings of traditional family structure. Social conservatives lament this, but maybe the bigger question needs to be, "How can we create family and marriage structures where women don't lose so big?" Maybe if that were the question being confronted, more women might be interested in embracing marriage again.

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I had never considered that I might be a skeptic.  It was unthinkable for a woman who has longed all her life for a committed partner, someone by which to prove that I could be desired, and chosen.  My desire to be [re-]married was unquestionable.  My heart still tells me that I want nothing more than to be married again, in an older and wiser context.  And I believe I truly do.

This waiting and expectation for a partner has been my singular focus for twenty years now, to the exclusion of practically all other desires. Perhaps I can now say, despite all former assumptions, that I have wanted to be alone these last four years.  There is certainly a place in me which fiercely refuses to ever be a grown man's caretaker again, or to ever again be anyone's sacrificial lamb.   I have begun to wonder, what if I took it off the table?  If I don't have children - something that feels, these days, a likely reality - what would I do with my life?  If I never remarry - could that be okay?  It is terrifying to bring these thoughts to consciousness, for to my broken heart, they mean never being desired, chosen, or provided for - every woman's greatest fear and deepest wound.  Is it possible, even, to love freely without being taken from? To give without losing? 

And yet...I have unearthed a glimmer of excitement (which I will admit, still scares me in its novelty) given to me by this long time alone - and now also by a well-written and throughly-researched book - what new paths might there be for me?  What could this newly-considered life lead to?