After four awesome pre-dawn miles, I made us breakfast while she got ready for work. I couldn't believe how much I enjoyed cooking us some thick-cut rolled oatmeal, scrambled eggs, and spinach-berry-banana fruit smoothies. We didn't have much time but it was so nice to share the morning time with a real live person. I miss the presence in the morning, sharing time and words before the day begins.
I was lying on the living room floor, stretching my sore right hip, when I just started to cry. Not the lessening tears of late, but deep sobs. I knew what I was thinking about, and as I know to do, I held my upset in sacredness and reviewed the week.
- I had some thoughts about my past and PTSD during my run last Wednesday.
- On Friday, my new therapist had me talk about my accident and my past therapy (an odd and unplanned coincidence). Then we talked about the work I do: the reasons I came, the reasons to stay, the reasons to move on.
- I heard from Mama Sue over the weekend.
- The change to autumn weather awakens the aching throughout my body. I'm used to it, but it tires my mind which in turn tires my heart.
- I went to a BBQ on Saturday with my new [running] friends. They haven't known me very long and don't know my story in depth, but have read here of my life. Without upseting me in any way, they asked about many things, including my accident, my weight loss, my divorce, etc.
- I met up with Zach later that night. I shared some of what I'd talked about in therapy. At one point, in the midst of talking at length about several heartaches, he said to me, "I would love to see you get out of survival mode." And I saw the great truth of my life in that statement.
He would have been 35 today. I never forget, not on the inside. Sometimes I'm fine. Sometimes I still cry.
Me, too.
ReplyDeleteOh honey it is okay to cry but your friend Zach has the right idea. You need to get out of survial mode. With that said don't rush the process. Just take simple steps to move forward. Don't worry if you fall, cry, or make a complete idiot of yourself. We will be here to encourage, hold your hand, and hug you when need be. I am so proud to finally have met you and to be able to call your friend. Sending you much love and manh hugs from Saint Paul.
ReplyDeleteMel
Even the strongest struggle and cry for somethings. I have been very emotional lately and sometimes cry out of no where too. If I am at home and it just happens I try to see why it's happening and just let the tears roll. Through my mental health journey I find that sometimes you gotta get it out. Let it out and do what you can to heal. There are always going to be things that remind you of past situations that will evoke emotions. I also try to go to a spiritual place when I am feeling the worst and know that I will not be presented anything that is too difficult for me to get through. We are all human and will get through it. Big hugs to you for each moment you keep pushing on!
ReplyDelete#Love #Love #LOVE you. That is all. Just love the person you were, the person you are, and the person you are becoming. <3
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you realize it...but this was extremely healthy for you to type it out and share. You will not and never should forget! It makes you who you are and sort of defines you. All of which are beautiful and amazing and why you ARE my Manda-Bear 8) You feel like crying, I will cry with you but make sure the tears turn into an exceptional life. A wise and prudent woman reflects on her tragedies and blooms, not out of them but because of them...take a kiss sweetheart!
ReplyDeleteDescribing it as Survival Mode really struck a chord with me. Because sometimes we don't realize that we're in that place until someone else shines the light on that place.
ReplyDeleteKeep your head up.