Peace

I was standing in the book aisle at Target last week, looking for the Nicholas Sparks book my mom wanted for Christmas.  I wasn't wearing any makeup with my jeans & sweatshirt, and I had donned The Hat since I was pretty sure my hair needed washing.  I picture myself with my eyes squinted in focus and my lips pursed as I tend to do when I'm searching for something or thinking intently.

I sensed a presence to my right and glanced over.  An older man was smiling at me as he said, quite simply, "You look nice!"

It was the way he said "nice."  So genuine.  It was obvious in a way I can't describe that he didn't so much mean beautiful in appearance as he meant beautiful in my soul.  A smile rose within me and I said in kind surprise, "Well thank you!"

I had a particularly sad heart that day, but I drove to work that night for the 2300-0700 still wearing the hint of a smile.  We slept all glorious night (so rare) and I even slept an hour past the end of my shift so that I could swing into the pharmacy when it opened.  I consider what I tend to look like after a night shift: rumpled uniform.  Bed head.  Glasses, no makeup, drowsy, puffy eyes, and a crease or two on my face from being mashed into an old, hard mattress for seven hours.

On the way out, I had paused to exchange words with the greeter when an older man walked by and said, "North Ambulance?  Well...if I'd known they were that pretty, I'd go get hurt!"

The kind of compliment a girl like me is looking for?  Not so much, although he didn't say it in a lewd way. I felt pretty unattractive and unhappy about what I'd just purchased, but I smiled again. 

It was particularly good that I got to sleep because I had to pass the driving simulator in the afternoon.  I had a headache working before I arrived, leaving me a tinge nauseated and disoriented before I so much as sat down in the "driver's seat."  Add to that, then, functional lights & sirens and a computerized obstacle course (bodies, bikes, cars, construction barriers) that surrounds you on three sides but without any of the somatic indicators that accompany normal driving: no sense of acceleration, braking, or steering forces.

They warned us to take meclizine beforehand and I ought to have listened.  Twice I had to close my eyes, turn away and breathe.  My headache morphed into a near-migraine, I swallowed my nausea, and kept my eyes shut for most of the ride back to my car.

I made myself stop on the way home to check on a DVD for Dad's gift since I was driving right past Target.  I also wanted a treat (sugar helps the symptoms sometimes) and as I was again standing in an aisle, studiously examining the cookie selection, I sensed someone looking at me.  A man doing inventory was trying not to notice me too overtly, but gave up when I looked over at him.  "Ma'am, you have a beautiful smile!"

I couldn't help it - I started to laugh.  And then I apologized.  For the next several minutes, I chatted with my new friend Ron from California.

Oh, this day.  The Universe knew what I needed this day.

My heart felt better but my body was still struggling when I finally made it home.  I hadn't yet worked out and my new yoga video felt like the perfect antidote.  In the middle of a grueling crescent series there came a knock on my door.  My neighbor Virgil had heard my TV and wanted to drop off my Christmas gift.  Inside was a beautiful white card with glittering trees, red cardinals, and a single word on the front which matched the inside:

In the quiet,
may you feel,
may you hear,
may you know
peace.

Video forgotten, I sat down at my desk and began a heartfelt cry.  See, the day before, I had met with a clinical nurse specialist and together we'd decided that I would make another attempt at medication: the source of my sadness.  I was lifted a bit after last night's moment in the book aisle.  Today, I had resignedly picked up my medication and almost immediately received another compliment that made me smile.  The afternoon's sensations of illness stemmed from the first dose and were worsened by the simulator.  And then, for a third time, I was reassured that I still have a smile in my heart.  Finally, after my body had metabolized the drug a bit more and had calmed with my yoga, the Universe sent me, through the love of a neighbor, a blessing of peace.

My aching and tired soul finally caved.  This year has not been at all what I'd expected or hoped for, in ways both less and more, but my heart opened in a brief but genuine experience of this elusive peace.  Whether drug-induced, psychosomatic, or as a result of Grace, matters not, but I thank God for peace.