Bubble tea and marriage

The Bubble Tea Blog:
So who's heard of bubble tea? (Any variety of teas/smoothies/chais with fat, black, slimy tapioca pearls that you suck up with a big straw). I have wanted to try this fad for a while. At some point in the recent past, I have decided I'm not waiting one more SECOND to go and do/live/experience. Even if no one is available and I do it alone. All of my friends were working today, so I decided: To hell with it! I dressed up. I went to The Tea Garden on Grand Avenue in St. Paul (the old neighborhood again - what's my deal?). I felt like that 18-year-old college student again, only I had my journal to write in instead of a music theory workbook of harmonic analyses to finish. Vanilla bubble chai...wow. An impossibly weird sensation in your mouth, but so trendy, you can't help but feel cool while you drink it. Had a fabulous conversation about men with the two girls behind the counter. Self-affirmation in a tiny, overheated, neon-green-lit tea shop.

The Marriage Blog:
OK...got distracted...it's 3 am so I will finish this in the morning UGH...

And now it's noon the next day.

Dad was here when I got home, and I decided it was time to ask: When I leave my husband, can my dog come live with you? Which led to an interesting conversation about marriage.

I was on anti-depressants throughout the dating, the living together, the engagement. Without a doubt, I needed them after my tragedy; however, when you can't feel the lows, you also can't feel joy. I thought that I had to repress and subjugate myself for someone to be able to handle me. But I have rediscovered that I am not an emotionless, passionless person! We went to marriage counseling in November. He says I was more fun when I weighed 302 pounds; I should eat more so he's not so uncomfortable. He can't support my return to music school because I never finish anything I start (I'm the one with a college degree? Who has lost the weight of an entire person?) I am a fool for believing in God. I am a fool for loving and valuing family so much. It was said by both that we don't love each other. The counselor looked at us and said, "So why are you here?"

Dad says this is what marriage is. It doesn't get any better. He even made a comment about me running away. I should stay rather than lose my financial security, my home, my dog.

Daddy - I think you're wrong. I know why you said what you did. But I think I can take care of myself. If I had put in 32 years, was at the point in life and had the burdens that you do...I would think you were right. At 28 years old, after 17 months of marriage: to have none of that? To look at him and know, "He doesn't see me...he doesn't care about any part of who I am." I cannot let this be my life. I cannot choose to believe that life does not get any better than this. I may not always believe I deserve any better...but I cannot lie down and die. Do you know the sadness I have lived with since I was so little? Do you know how it feels to finally want better for myself? To realize that "life doesn't always have to be miserable?" That it's okay to hope?