Questions. More questions. AAAAAHHHHH!
Tonight, on a whim, Wild Flower & I attended services at Eaglebrook Church in Lino Lakes. Besides the MUSIC charging me, the message prodded some sore spots: You're a "fisher of men" by "telling them your story."
Last night I filled out a bulletin about "life 10 years ago," and whether or not you're where you thought you'd be. I guess you should read it for some of this to make sense. I continued to have this realization throughout the service about my story: I have thought my story is shameful. It condemns me. One of mistakes and subsequent failures...of crushing heartbreak...of disconnected wandering.
How could my story help people? When I share, people speak of my strength, determination...but all I feel is a dark and endless tiredness. For all the healing, the countless tears shed, all I feel are more tears building up. I want to feel whole. Present. Forgiven. I want to know that I am a good person. When will I feel that what I have to share is important? I love hearing people's stories, and I think people are, for the most part, fascinating. Why do I believe that my story is the only bad one?
Late Weds, my friend and coworker Chelsea was listening to me sing to my Christian compilation CD in the ambulance (one has to entertain herself at a gas station at 1am somehow!). In an e-mail the next day, she wrote to me..."I can tell you sing with passion...made me want to worship...hearing those songs and you sing." This thought has followed me around ever since: "I made someone want to worship...I made someone want to worship?"
Whoa. Doing what I love most...made someone want to worship? I feel so lost and purposeless in this life. I don't know what feeling I should own about that.
In the same way, you've let me know that I've had something to do with you wanting to worship again. It's so empowering to know that we have it within us to bring people to God. Your are loved, Mandy, and I'm sure you are up there in God's book for turning back toward Him. Let's both hold each other accountable for our actions and be as supportive to one another as possible. These are trying times--not simply to anyone of us individually, but rather all of us (collectively). By His grace, we'll endure and be able to remain positive and encourage one another.
ReplyDeleteTTY soon, I hope...
Nate
Definte Kudos! I'm glad you went to church...did you not just love it?!? I love the church because it's not just relelvent...it's not just real...although those things rock...but it's because it's not always easy. I also leave there and see that my life still requires change...I leave there knowing that beyond a shadow of a doubt my life is charging for God but there are still things that need to be tweeked. That's a great feeling...because too often people in this world and churches (sad to say) just tell you what you want to hear and that's not what Truth is. I'm glad you loved it and I LOVED reading your comments! You're a deep thinker girl...
ReplyDeleteLove ya...Chels
Haven't we just been talking and talking about that? It is easier to look into your neighbors windows and see what is going on that to look into yours and see what is going on? (Thats cuz you would have to be in two differnt places at one time, doing two differnt things, and that is a whole other topic on dimensions and time travel and space and the continueum and we would have to get Carl Sagen envolved and he is dead, so then we would have to see a meduim and oh lord, I am getting off track here!!) So I think you know what I am saying? I hope? lol
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Kris
FYI:( That=Than) and at this time I have no comments about Jesus.:-) Kris
ReplyDeleteI have been down that road too. But somehow even me (I say that because I NEVER thought I would go back to Christ), I was saved just on the 5th of this month. I never thought I could ever ever ever say that! I have the same doubts that I can't contribute, that I have no real worth in the church, that everyone can sing and dance and laugh while I am left sitting too petrified to move. But this changed for me this weekend - so quickly I did not have time to think or to worry or to fear. I was on a retreat with the women of my church and together with the help of my sister I wrote a song the first night we were there. The next morning we performed it - the first song I had ever sang to God - in my own words. I was surprised at the courage in me, to all of a sudden turn from singing hip-hop hooks to singing to God. But it WAS NOT ME it was God. I had finally just let Him have his holy way with me. After I got done singing the song, the ladies of the retreat all stood up and clapped as if I were Mariah Cary. It was the most overwhelming feeling of love I had ever felt. I had always imagined that I was going to write an album that would change the world and be up on stage with a Grammy in my hand thanking the "little people" for "making this possible" and thanking God and such (without the true knowledge of what that really means). Then I realized that the love I felt from these women in this room after I sang was so much more. I realized that the love of God that I had turned away from in my life was surrounding me and I was freed from all of my sorrow. And I know that this feeling will stay with me as long as I live. No award, no Grammy will ever last this long in my heart. So I lay it down. Singing for God is the only way I can sing without fear of failure. I tell you Amanda, you will not have a fear in the world. I am the Queen of self-doubt (believe me) and if I can do it - you can too in the special way that God has in store for you! Just sing it girl! Sing it! - Jenny
ReplyDelete