A change of heart...and major

I sat in chemistry class last week, wading through a bunch of feelings I was overwhelmingly unprepared for. I had returned to Metro State to finish a BA in biology. It was the least time consuming degree to finish given my extensive collegiate history, and I thought it made the most sense if I wanted to further my career in health care.

I'd also considered English, although very briefly. Strange, really, because it was a brand-new idea, but the English courses excited me as I skimmed over them. But...I should finish music, or my medic diploma, or nursing, or now biology. Gotta stick with completing all those things I left unfinished earlier in my life. English? People gave me questioning looks when I mentioned it, and having no practical answer as to why or what career I'd be pursuing, I quickly forgot about it.

I watched the professor put up equation after obscure equation during chemistry class #2. I had a great lab partner who encouraged me the whole time, but my mind kept quitting - just flat-out stopping in its tracks. My brain was refusing to even acknowledge what was on the board or in the book. (Have I mentioned that by some postal fluke, my chemistry book was the only one of five textbooks to not arrive?) So, while the rest of the class was trying to logarithmically calculate the boiling points and vapor pressures of ethanol (or something like that), I journaled in the back of my notebook:

"Lord, I'm just not sure what I'm doing here. Can I trust You, and walk through it anyway, knowing You'll speak as I go? Psyc called me because it spoke to my heart - and that's what's lacking in my life today. I'm not lacking chemistry or biology - not lacking science, analysis, reason, algorithms - I'm lacking depth - and that's why I feel out of sorts. What did I come here to find? What, exactly, am I trying to accomplish? Maybe I just need therapy instead of more debt and more letters after my name..."

I talked to everyone - co-workers, all my friends, classmates, God. I kept the Bio II and Psyc of Women. I dropped Chem II and signed up for "History of the English Language." On Saturday morning, I walked into a classroom in which every single head was buried in a book. I journaled again:

"I'm in a grad level English class today. Everyone has their nose in a book. I am so in the right place. Biology is already what I do. I am looking for a CHANGE! No wonder this week was so unsatisfying. I'm still confused and apprehensive. But I feel so much better.

"Where have I been happiest in my life? Libraries - I used to check out 10 books at a time and finish them in a week. Bookstores. Writing blogs. I've been keeping journals since I was 11. Diction classes - the nuances of pronunciation. Languages - I have Spanish and Italian phrase calendars on my desk. I've collected exquisite stationary since my mid-teens. I get teased at work for the 'big words' I use and the bag of books I carry with me everywhere. Even my favorite part of going back to school is going to the bookstore!"

I talked through this with my new professor (who is also an English advisor) after class. She was smiling and even laughing as I outlined my path thus far, concluding our conversation with, "I would say you're definitely in the right place." From her, I received all the information I needed to be able to announce to Mom when she called on the drive home, "I'm doing fine, Mom. And I'm an English major." When she laughed, I said, "What? I know, I know, Amanda's changing her mind yet again..."

"Oh no, it's not that. It's just that your dad and I have thought you were a writer for years. I always wondered when you were going to figure that out. I can hear the smile in your voice..."

I have now replaced my psyc class with a literature class - which I also love! A bachelor's degree in English, with a minor in biology. Took me almost 31 years, but I figured it out.