Renewed

I woke up with the urge to go to church yesterday. I'd taken the day off at the last minute to plan a birthday party for a friend, so why not capitalize on a free weekend morning?

Every couple weeks or so, during a short video preceeding the message, a ministry is highlighted. This week it was The Refuge, which is a ministry of small, no-charge support groups that meet weekly. There are groups for every hurt imaginable, one of them being Divorce Care. My heart opened instantly in curiosity and yearning, but just as quickly I shut it down with the thought: "I'm over two years out of this! I'm SO okay!" Followed seconds later by the pastor's clarification that this is a group for people at any stage in the divorce journey: weeks past, years past, or currently.

Hmmm.

Remembering that 10-12 vastly different support groups were highlighted, with Divorce Care given no more attention than the others, imagine my surprise when the title of our message flashed up: Divorce, Remarriage, and the Law of Love. My heart sank, fully expecting two things. One: condemnation for being a divorced woman, and therefore some kind of shameful and undesirable adulteress. Two: admonishment that I ought to be content - "feel called to" - my singleness.

I wanted to scream F@#K YOU and run out of the sanctuary.

I attend this church because it's real. It's about love, not self-flagellation and dogma. No apologies are made for challenging ideas, forbidden subjects, or any question whatsoever. No pretending, no bullshit in this place. So I ought not to have been so surprised that Pastor Boyd had neither of my painful expectations to share. Instead, he affirmed that God hates divorce. And really, don't we all? It's the saddest thing in the world, no matter what the circumstances. However, God always makes concession to our fallen human state, for our inability to meet his ideal. He's been conceding to humanity since the beginning of time. This is a gross over-simplification that excludes several excellent points, but for the first time, I heard someone say that the divorced are not condemned: not to singleness, to shame, to adultery by default, or the possibility of remarriage. Thank you God!

For 30 years I've heard nothing but cliché: singleness is a calling. I ought to be content that my singleness gives me more time to offer the Kingdom. Jesus is my groom. God is my lover. I ought to want nothing else of my time here on earth. The large majority of married people would tell you that marriage isn't always a bed of roses anyway.

Yeah, I know. I've done it. It is hard and feels near impossible at times - but it's still good. I believe most things worth having in life fall into this category. God designed humans for relationship. I want a partner to do life with so badly, I cry over it every night. I don't want to be single, and I'm a bad Christian for not liking it.

The message affirmed that yes, marriage can be a blessing. Singleness can be a blessing. But if your heart's deepest desire is to be in relationship with someone, then being single is NOT your calling. And it's okay to be sad about it! Accept the blessings in your singleness today, but in no way feel that it's wrong to hope that you will find a human partner. God designed us for relationship and partnership, and you need not kill your desire for fear He will find you somehow disobedient.

I grew up in a house where I learned this desire isn't good. Interest in men, pursuing a relationship, desiring marriage and a family - all bad. Take care of only yourself. Men are completely untrustworthy. Never depend on them for anything. As long as there is another Ph.D. out there that you could be earning, that ought to be your priority - a loving relationship should be your very, very last. Now, to Mom's credit, she's largely been proven right about men - at least the men I've attempted relationship with. But most days, I think these beliefs have largely ruined me. I don't know how to let men express attraction or interest in me. Before they so much as open their mouth, I don't trust them by virture of their gender. I don't know how to let them do nice things for me. I can't let them help me.

Killing my desire hasn't worked for me. Ever. Not at all.

God, I am so grateful for the ways in which you urge me, for the ways you work inside my circumstances. I'm so grateful to have been led to this church, where Pastor Boyd so fearlessly contemplates and explores the Word and puts the focus back where it belongs - not on judgment or condemnation but on the Kingdom, on how we can serve it with as much joy as possible while we live in our fallen state.

Truly, I had waited 30 years to hear my desire affirmed. Crying never felt so good.

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalms 37:4)