Thoughts on another new year

I would like to face 31 (*sigh* Really? Can it be?) with far more grace, and a lot less fear and disappointment, than I did 30.

I start attending my 7th university on January 12th. I promise myself that when I become tired, challenged, broke, and overwhelmed, when I question what I'm even doing, that I will continue to believe I am worth the effort, and I will not give up on myself, or this degree which I've wanted to complete for so long.

I will no longer view my job as the end-point of my growth in any respect, nor as the end of my opportunities. I will see it, at this time specifically, as perfect! I can survive on my paltry income, I have flexibility with my hours, and the opportunity to study while I earn a living. Answers as to my future will come as I go.

I will get the final 20# of heaviness off my body for new reasons. No longer for a wedding or relationship, because that is based on a love I thought I had to earn with a contrived beauty. No longer for a certain size, because I am two sizes smaller than I'd ever hoped to be. No longer to heal my injuries or because I fear losing my strength - for I am healed. Not to punish my body, but to honor her. I will do it because I would like to deeply enter into and be unrestricted in my new yoga practice. I will listen to her, and keep her in the best health I can.

I will rely less and less on MySpace, Facebook, and e-mail to relate to people I love. I will try to use the phone (please be patient with me). I will ask for love and a listening ear when I need it. I will be this for others when I am able. I will forgive myself when I am not able. I will speak truth into every situation where I am invited in. If I feel that I have to apologize for any of those things, I will honor where I am at and try not to do so. I will rediscover my "no." I will stop doing anything that is unhealthy or unpleasing for Amanda to do.

In matters of love, I will follow the list of rules I read in a hard-hitting book over the weekend*:

I will not go out with a man who hasn't asked me out first.
I will not go out with a man who keeps me waiting by the phone (or by the computer).
I will not date a man who isn't sure he wants to date me.
I will not date a man who makes me feel sexually undesireable.
I will not be with a man who's afraid to talk about our future.
I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me.
I will not be with a man who is not clearly a good, kind, loving person.

Additionally, I will not be with someone who dishonors, disrespects, or objectifies women in any way.  I will not be with a man who rejects my faith or my spiritual endeavors.  I will not be with a man who discourages me from pursuing my health.  I will not go to a sports event with a man who would not go to a Broadway show with me.  I will not be with a man who always waits for me to take the lead.  I will not be with a man who does not consider me both his equal and his beloved.

I will trust God to be preparing this person, and myself, for each other.
_______________________
*excerpted from "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, pg 153