Returning to work

I finally return to work tonight, and I can't believe how conflicted I feel about it.  I am dreading tonight more than I was dreading the surgery that kept me away for 7 1/2 weeks.  At least the surgery was proactive.  It had a purpose, it was a solution, and held the likelihood of a positive outcome. (Slower and more painful than intended, but positive nonetheless.)  I can't say any of that for work. 

It has felt so impossibly good to sleep at home for a little over 7 weeks.  In a warm, soft, clean bed, with no buzzers or beepers or radios.  No breathing diesel, no aching and swollen legs and stiff necks from trying to sleep upright in the front of an ambulance.  Seven whole beautiful weeks of not being expected to snap my magic medic fingers and fix everyone else's life for them.  Seven weeks not having to sit for hours in a pit of political tension and favoritist inequality.  Seven weeks just to attend to my very own life and take care of my self.

So that's what I've learned on this leave: my despair over this career is because there is no opportunity for proaction.  The negativity and defeated attitudes of most of us there discourage any kind of change.  There is no foreseeable solution to the problems we face in the industry or the cost center, nor is there a career ladder or opportunities for better pay.  While I was off, my shifts have been changed without any input from me, mandating overtime and taking five extra hours of my life away from me for three weeks out of four.  Hoh yeah, feeling positive for sure!  I can't wait to give up sleep, give up peace, and give up my personal time for the sake of a workplace and a clientele that cares not for me at all.

It's going to take a lot of prayer for me to get through the upcoming days, and through the upcoming year as I contemplate my options.  For now, I'm just praying I don't burst into tears when I walk in the door tonight.