Nitro paste and crying in class

I had such an odd moment in class today.  Lecture was cardiology, and we were discussing things such as vessel anatomy, blood pressure regulation, hypertension, and shock.  It was an easy review for me.  What was odd was that as my professor talked, as he asked questions and all the nursing people shared what they knew, I became aware that I was feeling very sad.  I was curious about that so I stayed with it.

What is this?  Where is it coming from?

Moments from over the years began to run through my head - like someone was flipping me through a set of flashcards. Images of scrubbing blood off my pants, my scissors, my boots.  Images of a patient's blood a couple weeks ago, embedded under my fingernails for two days - and I didn't even know her name when we flew her out.  Images of drilling an IO into a newborn's leg.  Images of my hands buried in the back of someone's open skull fracture.  Images of the homicidal schizophrenic patient whom I knew would try to kill me the minute the handcuffs came off, and of completed suicides, one with his brain stem stuck to the wall twenty feet across the room, one my very own age, hanging cold, stiff, and purple from his bedroom closet.  Images of weeping family members and failed resuscitations.  Images of all the people who've looked into my eyes and asked, "Am I going to die?"

My head was spinning through the memories so fast by that point, I don't even remember it all.

My professor asked me a question about nitro paste, and when I came back to the moment, I had tears in my eyes in the front row of class.  I could barely answer the question.

Oh classmates, and nurses.  You think you know.  But you don't know.  Normal people need to go about their days not knowing.  I've heard it said that depression is only an acute awareness of reality, and that's definitely true for me.  It's a miracle any of us come back to work after the first month.

And all of this, after I lived through a personal experience of it.

No wonder I'm done.  It has been a great privilege to pay it forward, and I have witnessed a lot of good too.  But I wonder, sometimes, if I want to stick with healthcare at all.