I heard myself today

This morning was a time of facing - literally, turning my face toward - some feelings and sights and triggers that on most days, I avoid.  I was determined not to hide or run today - I wanted to process and understand.  I wanted to let feelings come and not turn away.

When I got in my car to meet Mel and Kris for breakfast, very unusually, I clicked my iPod to the songs listed under the artist with my own name.  They are the songs I put on the CD for Sharon, but I have probably only let myself listen to these songs two or three times since recording them four and a half years ago.  Not because they bring back memories of her suffering or of my grieving, but because of how hard it is to listen to myself.

I rarely, rarely allow myself to listen to any of my own recordings.  I never have, not since I first started singing almost 35 years ago.  The judgment I heap upon myself is massive.  MASSIVE.  I judge every pitch, every consonant, every vowel.  I criticize my control, my tone, my emotionality and/or my lack thereof.   It's shame that I feel - but why?

They are raw recordings - three songs put together in one four hour session.  One of them is a very crude analog to digital conversion of a live performance at church.  There's only one Auto Tuned note and minimal production or engineering; Zach worked miracles with commercial accompaniment tracks.

He also worked miracles with me: after a flawless performance, which he recorded successfully, he said to me, "That was beautiful.  In fact it was perfect.  Now go back in the studio and sing it for your friend."

I remember saying, "I can't."

His response: "Then why are you here?"

I went back in and started over.

I terrified to be recording that day.  I'd never done anything like it before.  I was afraid to bare my heart.

I was afraid to be good.

Every time I've listened, I have felt that familiar shame - shame that I'm not perfect, that I'm not famous, that I'm not using or making a living with what I was given.

I wasn't afraid to hear myself today - my greatness or my imperfection.  I actually heard more than the mistakes and the wavers and the mis-timings.  I heard a really amazing recording, a gorgeous voice, a woman stepping out of her comfort zone, daring to let her love be heard.

I am so glad I did that.  For Sharon.  For me.