Dwelling in life

"A conversation is interesting to me when people are being genuine, when they're more concerned with sharing difficult truths than with showing off. What's the use of striking a pose? We're all in the same boat - mysterious flesh-and-blood creatures, radiant and broken - and of course the boat is sinking, but there's still time to share a story or two as the night comes on." - Sy Safransky

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Looking forward to a time of sharing with a fellow Searcher, I set my coffee and muffin down next to the latest two issues of The Sun, draped my jacket across the back of a log chair. An ordinary moment - just a few personal items and a coffee on the table of a local business, of which I have lost the photo - struck me as such a reflection of things I love about my life.

I drove home on empty backroads, ever-affirmed and always less burdened (Love you Duck!), cupping an herbal tea and listening to an empassioned Jonny Lang sing the blues. I made a point to drive under the speed limit. I thought about the past year and this one, and resolutions I have decidedly not yet made.

The past year, I...
...was released from my smoking addiction for the last time.
...finally read the entire Bible.
...finished a self-esteem workbook, and actually found some.
...was reasonably successful at eliminating the word "f--k" from my vocabulary.
...got divorced.
...finally incorporated my musical pains and creativities (one and the same) into my daily life.
...found myself surprisedly at peace on the seventh anniversary of the accident, instead of reft by loss.
...achieved a long-dreamt-of weight loss goal, after I quit telling myself it could never happen.
...learned to live alone for the first time.
...said "Yes!" to many moments - concerts, parties, new people and experiences - which I've never hoped for having the right or the freedom to enjoy.

I really can't think of better resolutions to make - that's a good year, isn't it? I observed my life as I drove. I considered that it might be admirable, or just "enough," despite the discomfort of such intense self-examination and so much change. So......why do I not quite own that belief?
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Late Fragment by Raymond Carver
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
to call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.
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This year's resolution is to not merely observe the world, or to admire an image of my life from the outside, but rather to dwell fully in it. I want to continue pausing. 

I want to continue being awake.